Okay people, try not to laugh too hard… While doing research and attempting to contact authors for our library (https://www.facebook.com/groups/843221809027604/) I had to join several blog sites; a couple of which say I have to write a blog in order to contact other authors. I have thought long and hard about what my first “blog” should be about. The best thing I can think to open with is why I am a submissive to begin with. I’ve never directly asked another submissive what makes her/him so, but I’ve listened to their comments in groups, followed the nature of their conversations about various things and I’ve read tons of blogs researching info for the library as well. Even if I were to ask, 99.99% will basically say “I was born this way”, and leave it at that. I was born this way too, as I have always felt the desire to please and gain personal satisfaction in sating the desires of others, not just sexually but in general as well, but just what is it that drives me to fulfill the role of “submissive” as I know it now?
I had to dig deep into my own heart, mind, and soul and ask myself alot of questions about this to try and understand it enough myself before I could even attempt to explain it to anyone else. At first I thought it may have been rooted in my sexually masochistic nature. Of course I’d heard of BDSM but never really encountered anyone who was into it, so to me that’s what hardcore kinky rough sex was. I knew nothing of Dominants/Masters or submissives/slaves and there wasn’t the evermore popular “culture” of it back then, at least not in my small circle of Alabama. I just knew I wanted my man to throw me down and fuck me like the whore we both know I am and leave some serious markings that would remind me of that fact all week. My masochistic desires may be a part of it, but anyone who is serious about the BDSM lifestyle knows it runs much deeper than mere sex no matter how enjoyably kinky it may be. Besides that, I was in a vanilla marriage for over fifteen years and missing out on my kink never swayed my deep seeded need to please one way or another.
Which brought me to another layer of the onion, lost Love. I was once happily married to a man who to this day I still consider my soulmate. Our relationship was pure vanilla and I stayed to him faithfully; never once feeling deprived from the nonexistence of kink in my life as long as I had him by my side. I loved him more deeply than anyone or anything and I would have literally died for him. I almost did one day when his drug dealer showed up at my door and put a gun in my face, and a piece of me actually did die because that was when I came to realize the man I fell in love with was gone forever and something else had taken his place. I could not have mourned the loss I felt at that moment more if I had been standing at his grave-site watching them lower his coffin down. I long to replace that loving connection I once had with him. The undying devotion, the unbroken loyalty, the deep rooted trust and the warm security of feeling needed. I feel a piece of me is missing without it, so you can see why I would be attracted to the overly intimate connection that is made between a Dom and his sub. There has been much debate as to if love should even be a factor in a D/s, but I think there has to be a love in some form or it can’t exist. When submitting to a Dom it is understood that the submissive gives themselves up completely. The concept of ownership endures until the relationship comes to an end and release is made. To me, though, from my own feelings and from what I’ve learned from others a submissive also gives a piece of herself to her Sir he will always and forever hold. A piece she never gets back. (I’m sure the same can be said of the Dom, as he is just as deeply involved but hopefully you can see what it is I’m fumbling to express.) There is no way I personally could ever give someone that kind of trust, loyalty and devotion if I did not love them in some way.
Then I thought of my unwavering need to please and I had to think through the various reasons why I feel that need to begin with. Like I said, I was born this way so there is no defining exactly why I am compelled to find personal satisfaction in pleasing others. All I can really analyze is why I derive pleasure from it myself. My conclusions on that basically boil down to my own feelings about my personal shortcomings. From sibling rivalries to high school angst to the hurt of a first marriage failure. Not being able to have children and being told you’ll never “understand” until you do. (Like I have to have children to “understand” why your child is a spoiled brat, but that’s a whole other blog.) Jobs where I’m not quite fast enough, deemed too little or too short, and being unjustly judged as not strong enough to be of value or good use. That “Am I not good enough for you” feeling I get from people with whom I have to socialize but don’t quite click with. Being less attractive than most all of the women around me. The hatred of getting older. On and on…you get the picture. We all have feelings about our own personal shortcomings and know the esteem they can rob us of. There are always areas of our life where we just don’t feel like we measure up. We deal with them in our own various ways. I know I have always compensated myself for these self perceived feelings of failure with an attempt to bring pleasure and happiness to others. I derive the satisfaction I need to fill the void in other areas of my life where I may not feel I’m good enough by attempting to satisfy the needs of others. Is that what makes me a submissive? Yes, it’s probably part of it too, but there are even more pieces of the puzzle that make it whole. I discover new ones every day.
One of the biggest pieces along with love lost, would be that I do see true flaws in myself. Things I’d like to change but don’t seem to have the will or the know how to fix on my own. I seem to need an outside person to look up to and fuel the drive to better myself. Someone who can call me out on my errors and correct me when I’m wrong, keep me focused on improvement and help build my confidence. Someone who can see me for what I am and what I need to be, to help mold me into all that I can be and to have pride in me not only for who I already am but who I may become. I’m not asking for a babysitter that has to guide my every move or control my every thought but I do need something more than love of myself to truly motivate me to make the changes I need. You may think I suffer from lack of confidence and low self esteem by saying such things of myself, (and there are areas in which I probably do) but there is such a thing as being realistic too. If I can’t be honest with myself about what I don’t like and want to change how could I accept someone else pointing out what they see needs changing as well? How many times have you told yourself, “I need to lose weight”, yet just couldn’t put that piece of cheesecake down until your child came home crying because a bully called you fat? How many times did you try to quit smoking before looking into a loved ones eyes and realize you wanted the most time with them possible? Everyone is driven in some way by the influence of another, some of us just need a little more of it than others.
Though this barely scratches the surface of my personal submissive nature, and there are surely more pieces yet to be found, it gives you and idea from where the river flows. What lovingly erotic lakes it may fill have yet to be seen, but I do dream of sailing on them.
